Goals

Lately, I've become apprehensive about blogging. I've pulled back, reigned it in, and turned the corners in on myself. I no longer feel confident that what I want to say will come out right. I hate the idea of divulging my true self, especially to people that "know" me. I am afraid that they will judge me, and that I won't live up to their expectations.

I don't write anymore, but I still devour the regular content of my favorite blogs as often as they provide new content, and I am inspired by their accomplishments, and their unwavering ability to dip into this deeply supportive well of community that exists on the internet. The fitness blogging community is full. It is deep and broad and wide, and all things that I need right now.

Support and community suddenly seem important to me. I want to feel like I'm making a difference, even if it is small. I want to feel like someone cares about me, and thinks that what I'm putting together on this site is worthwhile and interesting. Blogging can be as mundane as a diary entry, as easy as a re-post, or as profound as a full-disclosure call for help. I want, and desperately need, a change in my life. Everyone has a (re)start somewhere, and this blog is where you will find mine.

I've been going through a lot of changes in the past 6 months and I am feeling more and more desperate, worthless, alone and trapped. While that's a lot of baggage to unload on a blog, I'm not hoping for it to do anything more than ignite a personal healing, and a resurgence of connection to my own worth, power and dynamic self.

The changes I'm talking about are numerous and varied, and cover a lot of personal ground. It sounds like a mid-life crisis, and yes, I'm only 30, but I'm sure that further research will reveal a 1/3-life crisis to be a documented event. To illustrate the finer points, here are some things I think about and get all worked up over:

Running: Should I be training? Would I be more distracted from what might be 'depression' if I had a training schedule?
Money: Is eBay enough? Should I be working on an internet business that revolves around blogging?
Future: Will we buy a sailboat? Will it take up too much time and money, and is it what we really should be doing?
Travel: If we buy our sailboat, or spend every waking moment and every earned penny, trying to reach this goal, will I have to put off dreams of travel for 10 years? More?
Job: Should I have a job if everything I want requires money?
Does everything I want require money? Can I travel without it? Can I live comfortably and support our family without it?

There is no end to my questioning. It becomes a deep, deep hole that I tumble into until I have no way back out except to cry. This is not who I want to be, but it is who I have become. This fact - the idea that I have "failed myself" - has profound impacts on my personal relationships (it is hard for others to love us if we do not love ourselves. The inverse of this concept - loving the self so deeply that others cannot help but love us too - is what allowed me to fall deeply in love with E).

I found this quote today on facebook and immediately felt like it must have been posted just for me - this is the power of the internet (and books for that matter): we are able to make connections, glean meaning, and deepen our lives without personally experiencing the "source".

"For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald

Basically, life is an adventure of our own making.