Sunday Run

I'm currently planning on running only once per week. I know this isn't very much running for a "runner", but I want to be able to really enjoy that one run. I'm going to rekindle my love affair with being on the trail and covering ground. So Sunday is my running day, and I'm planning on an hour, or if things go well after that hour, until I feel like stopping.

Only once a week?!

 Yesterday was so gorgeous - warm and sunny - finally. I ran for an hour, just like I'd planned and I didn't have any negative thoughts, headaches, or desire to quit. When I felt like walking, which was at the half-way point, I walked for a good five minutes. I ran over 10 wooden bridges that spanned the creek, through redwoods and fern gullies.

Photo credit

The end of my beautiful run through Fern Canyon put me out at the beach where I laid in the sand for another hour overwhelmed at my bliss: warm sun, tired body, ocean waves crashing at my feet. The only thing that got me up was the thought of enchiladas for dinner. 

Photo Credit

 

Striving for Greatness - Mt. Shasta

I am happiest when I am making progress. Progress towards anything, really, whether its planning a vacation, stacking wood, working on our house, cooking a great dinner, running 10 miles, or working out for two hours till I can't walk. Making progress requires a sense of purpose, I believe. Each action that I take during the day is driven by the idea that it serves a purpose - if I vacuum the living room, I won't have to inhale dog hair when I do yoga later on - if I split and stack wood, we'll be warm this winter - if I spend a lot of time planning this vacation, we'll have a smoother time once we're traveling - if I run 10 miles, I'll feel hungrier for the gigantic plate of nachos I'm going to eat for dinner - if we work tirelessly on our house until it's done, we can rent it out sooner and start a financially-independent lifestyle that I'm so desperate for. You get the idea.

This concept is really important to me. I feel really good about my direction, and have a great sense of self-worth, when I am making measurable progress towards a tangible goal. Anyone who makes lists can probably identify with this concept. A lack of this seems to be the source of a lot of my frustration.

Along the lines of tangible goals I've set my sights on Mt. Shasta for the end of the summer. I attempted to climb this mountain in 2006 with E and his brother. We didn't make the top, so naturally I'm jonesing to try again. Here are some photos of our adventure.

Mt. Shasta

Driving to Bunny Flat Trailhead

Buddies

Looking up to the Red Banks from Helen Lake

View of Black Butte and the Trinity Alps

Lunch break

Traversing from Green Butte Ridge to Helen Lake

Green Butte Ridge

Gazing over Casaval Ridge from Helen Lake as the sun sets

Dinner time

Shasta Mountain Guides setup

View of the Trinity Alps from the Red Banks

Snowy ridge

Red Banks - tiny tents visible in a line near the center

Red Banks - stopping point for this crew

Packing up for the descent

Lots to Think About

My dog has decided she's a three year old human who gets scared shitless from bad dreams in the middle of the night and has to wake up mom and dad over and over until they loose it. The bonus of her being a dog (for us) is that we can take her out to sleep in the car, which she loves. This is not something you should do with a toddler, so I'm told. The downside is that I'm finding it really difficult to fall back asleep at 3 am, which leaves me plenty of time to think. Surprisingly, I was able to avoid negative, stressful thoughts and tried to focus on positive, proactive measures I can take to pull myself out of this funk.

3+ years ago E and I did a round of P90X - his idea, not mine. I'm usually game for anything active that doesn't involve immersing myself in cold water, so we ripped purchased the whole program off the internet and got started. We were immediately beat down in submission. As the first two months went by I remember being constantly cold and having an appetite that just wouldn't quit. I think I actually gained a few pounds overall, but I looked way better. I actually had an 'ass crease', which was an exciting first for me. We completed month three halfheartedly because we were already so ripped and badass that we clearly didn't need it. Ahem.

The .mpg files are collecting virtual dust in a folder on my desktop labeled "Workout" - I think I'm going to brush them off, rework the overall plan to incorporate some running, and see what happens.

She looks so innocent

Goals

Lately, I've become apprehensive about blogging. I've pulled back, reigned it in, and turned the corners in on myself. I no longer feel confident that what I want to say will come out right. I hate the idea of divulging my true self, especially to people that "know" me. I am afraid that they will judge me, and that I won't live up to their expectations.

I don't write anymore, but I still devour the regular content of my favorite blogs as often as they provide new content, and I am inspired by their accomplishments, and their unwavering ability to dip into this deeply supportive well of community that exists on the internet. The fitness blogging community is full. It is deep and broad and wide, and all things that I need right now.

Support and community suddenly seem important to me. I want to feel like I'm making a difference, even if it is small. I want to feel like someone cares about me, and thinks that what I'm putting together on this site is worthwhile and interesting. Blogging can be as mundane as a diary entry, as easy as a re-post, or as profound as a full-disclosure call for help. I want, and desperately need, a change in my life. Everyone has a (re)start somewhere, and this blog is where you will find mine.

I've been going through a lot of changes in the past 6 months and I am feeling more and more desperate, worthless, alone and trapped. While that's a lot of baggage to unload on a blog, I'm not hoping for it to do anything more than ignite a personal healing, and a resurgence of connection to my own worth, power and dynamic self.

The changes I'm talking about are numerous and varied, and cover a lot of personal ground. It sounds like a mid-life crisis, and yes, I'm only 30, but I'm sure that further research will reveal a 1/3-life crisis to be a documented event. To illustrate the finer points, here are some things I think about and get all worked up over:

Running: Should I be training? Would I be more distracted from what might be 'depression' if I had a training schedule?
Money: Is eBay enough? Should I be working on an internet business that revolves around blogging?
Future: Will we buy a sailboat? Will it take up too much time and money, and is it what we really should be doing?
Travel: If we buy our sailboat, or spend every waking moment and every earned penny, trying to reach this goal, will I have to put off dreams of travel for 10 years? More?
Job: Should I have a job if everything I want requires money?
Does everything I want require money? Can I travel without it? Can I live comfortably and support our family without it?

There is no end to my questioning. It becomes a deep, deep hole that I tumble into until I have no way back out except to cry. This is not who I want to be, but it is who I have become. This fact - the idea that I have "failed myself" - has profound impacts on my personal relationships (it is hard for others to love us if we do not love ourselves. The inverse of this concept - loving the self so deeply that others cannot help but love us too - is what allowed me to fall deeply in love with E).

I found this quote today on facebook and immediately felt like it must have been posted just for me - this is the power of the internet (and books for that matter): we are able to make connections, glean meaning, and deepen our lives without personally experiencing the "source".

"For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald

Basically, life is an adventure of our own making.

RW SmartCoach 1/2 Marathon Plan

I found another training program for a 1/2 marathon on Runner's World that I'm posting here. I like this plan because of the "rest/XT" designation! I'm not so keen on the Tempo Run stuff...not really sure how to do that, or if it's even necessary. We'll see. I should actually time myself on another 10k or 5k so the times listed here will be more accurate.

Wk Dat Mon Tues Weds Thurs Fri Sat Sun Total 1 6/7 6/13 Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @11:05 Rest / XT Tempo Run Dist: 5 mi, inc Warm; 3 mi @ 9:29; Cool Rest / XT Rest / XT Long Run Dist: 6 mi @11:05 Rest / XT 13 miles 2 6/14 6/20 Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @11:05 Rest / XT Speedwork Dist: 5 mi, inc Warm; 2x1600 in 8:57 w/800 jogs; Cool Rest / XT Rest / XT Long Run Dist: 6 mi @11:05 Rest / XT 13 miles 3 6/21 6/27 Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @11:05 Rest / XT Tempo Run Dist: 5 mi, inc Warm; 3 mi @ 9:29; Cool Rest / XT Rest / XT Long Run Dist: 7 mi @11:05 Rest / XT 14 miles 4 6/28 7/4 Easy Run Dist: 4 mi @11:05 Rest / XT Easy Run Dist: 3 mi @11:05 Rest / XT Rest / XT Easy Run Dist: 3 mi @11:05 Rest / XT 10 miles 5 7/5 7/11 Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:59 Rest / XT Tempo Run Dist: 6 mi, inc Warm; 4 mi @ 9:28; Cool Rest / XT Rest / XT Long Run Dist: 7 mi @10:59 Rest / XT 15 miles 6 7/12 7/18 Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:59 Rest / XT Speedwork Dist: 7 mi, inc Warm; 3x1600 in 8:51 w/800 jogs; Cool Rest / XT Rest / XT Long Run Dist: 8 mi @10:59 Rest / XT 17 miles 7 7/19 7/25 Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:59 Rest / XT Tempo Run Dist: 6 mi, inc Warm; 4 mi @ 9:28; Cool Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:59 Rest / XT Long Run Dist: 8 mi @10:59 Rest / XT 18 miles 8 7/26 8/1 Easy Run Dist: 4 mi @10:59 Rest / XT Easy Run Dist: 4 mi @10:59 Rest / XT Rest / XT Easy Run Dist: 4 mi @10:59 Rest / XT 12 miles 9 8/2 8/8 Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:52 Rest / XT Tempo Run Dist: 7 mi, inc Warm; 5 mi @ 9:28; Cool Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:52 Rest / XT Long Run Dist: 9 mi @10:52 Rest / XT 20 miles 10 8/9 8/15 Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:52 Rest / XT Speedwork Dist: 8 mi, inc Warm; 4x1600 in 8:46 w/800 jogs; Cool Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:52 Rest / XT Long Run Dist: 9 mi @10:52 Rest / XT 21 miles 11 8/16 8/22 Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:52 Rest / XT Tempo Run Dist: 7 mi, inc Warm; 5 mi @ 9:28; Cool Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:52 Rest / XT Long Run Dist: 10 mi @10:52 Rest / XT 21 miles 12 8/23 8/29 Easy Run Dist: 5 mi @10:52 Rest / XT Easy Run Dist: 5 mi @10:52 Rest / XT Rest / XT Easy Run Dist: 5 mi @10:52 Rest / XT 15 miles 13 8/30 9/5 Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:45 Rest / XT Tempo Run Dist: 8 mi, inc Warm; 6 mi @ 9:27; Cool Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:45 Rest / XT Long Run Dist: 10 mi @10:45 Rest / XT 22 miles 14 9/6 9/12 Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:45 Rest / XT Speedwork Dist: 10 mi, inc Warm; 5x1600 in 8:41 w/800 jogs; Cool Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:45 Rest / XT Long Run Dist: 11 mi @10:45 Rest / XT 25 miles 15 9/13 9/19 Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:45 Rest / XT Tempo Run Dist: 8 mi, inc Warm; 6 mi @ 9:27; Cool Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @10:45 Rest / XT Long Run Dist: 11 mi @10:45 Rest / XT 23 miles 16 9/20 9/26 Rest / XT Easy Run Dist: 2 mi @11:05 Rest / XT Tempo Run Dist: 5 mi, inc Warm; 3 mi @ 9:29; Cool Rest / XT Rest / XT Race Day Dist: Half-Marathon @9:26 Time: 2:03:50 20 miles

New Plan

The horrible weather has given me the opportunity to relax and think about my running.

Someone on my blogroll recently posted a quote (DOTR?): "Run to Eat, Eat to Run." I love it! This seems like the healthiest, best recipe for success in maintaining a body that I'm proud of. I run because I love it, and also because every single time I've ever gone on a run, I'm happy that I did - I am always proud of myself. Since going gluten-free 8-ish months ago, I've lost between 5 to 10 pounds, depending on the day. I've also been much more active with hot yoga and running. I feel good, and fit, and am actually motivated and excited to workout - not every day though, which is fine!

I originally started running back in late February/early March because I decided I wanted to run a 1/2 marathon. Sticking to Hal Higdon's training plan was a disaster for me. I could never run long enough on long run days, and I could never keep myself to just 3 miles on short run days. I was always pushing myself in random ways. I also put a 10k on my plate right in the middle of it all, and had to really strain to make it happen. I loved it, but I felt like I'd accomplished my goal and stopped "training" and continued to just "run".

Now that I know a little bit more about my running self, I think I could stick to a training plan. I know how to appreciate short run days, I have good ideas for strengthening days, and I know that little-by-little, I can up my mileage each week on a long run. It takes serious dedication and concentration to make something like this happen, (and I know I'll get sick of my stand-by trails!), and I know I'll have to fuel my body right.

There are several 1/2 marathons in October, which gives me all summer long to prepare and still not freak out if I go astray. If I can keep to my schedule over the summer I will be ready in 12 weeks, or 3 months.